Bring your mind and body back from the store
Get to know the people in your house
You might like ’em…
The Free Design, Close Your Mouth It’s Christmas, 1969
Since when did Christmas smell of donuts?
Britain has imported the German Christmas Market in recent years, which could be an echo of Prince Albert delighting Queen Victoria with his festive tree in the 19th century. Except of course the British get it a bit wrong. In our version it seems to have become a good idea to pack town squares and cathedral greens with scores of garden sheds. They’re filled with the half-made contents of an out-of-town hobby/craft warehouse and a heap of burgers and donuts. Does this make it a special time of year? Like hell it does.
Real Christmas isn’t Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday. How we all thrill as the UK media now jumps lemming-like into the abyss and tells us how EVERYONE is buying their presents in these 48 hours.
It’s true, they scream. A woman broke her wrist in Asda in the struggle for bargains! Don’t we realise that people EVERYWHERE have filled their homes with flat-pack garden sheds, the contents of that out-of-town hobby/craft warehouse and at this very moment are stuffing their lusty vacuum-cleaner mouths with donuts and burgers – at the same time! Don’t worry about Santa’s little elves in the online shopping warehouses on their night-shifts: they’re smiling through the pain.
A Christmas present does not demonstrate love. It’s just moving currency around different bank accounts.
There are other ways to appreciate the people in your life, but a present saves time – precious time – when we could be eating burgers and donuts in front of the cathedral.
Close Your Mouth, It’s Christmas can be experienced here on Youtube – an inspired title, because while ‘Shut Your Mouth’ is elegantly negotiated to avoid offence, the result is more like the pronouncement of some omnipotent, easy-listening deity.